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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

eXCELNTE bLOG(eer) e artista



"When I gave up the smoking, I swore I’d never be one of those EX-smokers… those miserable gits who go round pouring scorn on your every puff, saying how easy it was to give up, reminding you how revolting it is to kiss a smoker (depends on how much you’ve had to drink, luv), staying smuggly indoors, while you, the poor smoker, stand in the garden of the non smoking house getting soaked or frozen in a -15º snowstorm (I did that a few times in a very non smoking house in America… I was dedicated to the smoking, I was).

But now I have well and truly become one of those ghastly people. It has taken two and a half years for the smoke and the shit to exit my system and I am truly appalled at what I did for almost twenty years…I can smell more stuff and taste more stuff…I don’t smell like an ashtray (though I may smell of many other things) and if the small people in the house let me kiss the prof (they don’t allow it, saying that kissing is disgusting between mummies and daddies… maybe they’re right) he could safely say that I don’t taste like a chewed up fag end…BUT I have started TUTTING at people in shopping centres and the like when they smoke near me (including this podgy cow above illustrated, who insisted on smoking a fag while choosing something in a deli, believing she was being considerate by holding her fag out of the door… inside a shopping mall…fuckwit)


Even people on the beach (it is amazing how someone smoking a metre away outdoors on a windy day can be overpowering) get me singing anti smoking protest songs (i wish. maybe the spirit of Bertholt Brecht could come to me) under my breath.But, I’m being unfair. For the smokey people truly don’t know how revolting and unpleasant they are and how they make me feel like wheezing when their smoke draws near.
I should really be having a word with that other ghastly set.. the have-never-smokeds… for not piping up EVERY TIME THEY COME ACROSS A SMOKEY PERSON and saying “stop fucking smoking, you retards, it’s gross, smelly, stupid, life-challenging and makes you look like a degenerate!” for in my almost twenty years as a smoker I only had two or three have-never-smokeds actually saying anything to me, and frankly, they just weren’t offensive enough. Why the hell do they stay so quiet?

So. Smokey people, stop bloomin’ smoking near me, you retards.
And you bloomin’ pompous have-never-smokeds? Have a fag, then maybe you’ll get around to saying something. "


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